Everything is a vessel for goat cheese.

This is fantastic, especially since I’ve resolved to drop my gym diva attitude (lying on the mats for five minutes in child’s pose counts as stretching, right?) and actually work out a bit. A few favorites:

1. A gym is not designed to make you feel instantly better about yourself. If a gym wanted to make you feel instantly better about yourself, it would be a bar.

4. No one in the history of gyms has ever lost a pound while reading “The New Yorker” and slowly pedaling a recumbent bicycle. No one.

15. If you’re motivated to buy an expensive home exercise machine, consider a “wooden coat rack.” It costs $40, uses no electricity and does the exact same thing.

25. Fact: Thinking about going to the gym burns between 0 and 0 calories.